Until I meet My Husband

Written by Ryousuke Nanasaki , art by Yoshi Tsukizuki

TW: Blatant homophobia

Rating: PG-13, maybe 16+ (suggestive)

Length: One volume

Vibe: Important (Get ready for an emotional ride)

Star rating: 5/5

If unfamiliar with Ryousuke, he is a gay rights activist in Japan and he and his husband have the first religiously recognized same-sex marriage in Japan. I want to start this post by quoting Nanasaki-sensei:

"Until now, I don't think the lived experiences of gay people and those who seek out the world of BL have lined up. That might be because both parties are seeking different things. But as someone who resides in both worlds, I feel that the team of myself - a gay man - and that of the BL artist Yoshi Tsukizuki has yielded a truly groundbreaking work."

WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT:

If I were a professor, this would be one of the mandatory reads before entering the world of BL. Not only is this a "groundbreaking work" it is so, SO important as a reminder that while we can love a steamy or romantic BL, these stories represent REAL LIVED EXPERIENCES. I cannot stress this enough as someone who reads the reviews of BL and constantly sees individuals post things like, "This is a typical BL, everyone is afraid of being outed," or "A 'straight' guy and a gay guy fall in love and the gay guy is insecure," all to then say something like, "please give us less tropey stuff and please give us more 'original' plots!". I cannot stress enough how much this floors me. If you don't want the actual lived experience to be included, then go elsewhere.

This manga, an adapted memoir, is full of the "tropes" we often we see in BL, why? Because they're based on the challenges faced by the queer community in Japan. In fact, you could use this as the framework for the recurring themes and tropes we see in BL: an insecure lover, a delayed exploration of dating and sex, paranoia of being outed, etc.

THE WRAP-UP

This excellently written and drawn manga covers all of the above and more as Ryousuke recounts his life as a gay man from boyhood to when they finally gets to marry their husband (please note: same-sex marriage is not recognized by Japan, however, various types of partnerships are regionally recognized and provide some benefits/rights, which is how Ryousukei was able to marry his husband).

Ryousuke tells the story of resilience and what it means to dare to dream/believe. The story also does a good job of highlighting some of the challenges faced by gay men and the dangers of a non-tolerant society, but also shares the importance of friendship, self-exploration, acceptance, and overall, love.

It is insane and so problematic how big BL is, and how much money it generates, and yet all of these beloved characters still could never fully marry in Japan (I have written more about this when it comes to why the Omegaverse is so popular). From reading BL, it comes down not to religion, but to conformity and birth rate promotion - themes touched upon in this manga and well as countless others.

By far this is one of my favorite reads of the week and if you love BL, a must-read as it is a great reminder regarding the context of these stories.

WHERE TO BUY:

Amazon (kindle version available)

Barnes & Noble

Crunchyroll

More analysis (including spoilers) after the jump!

(I'm not crying, you're crying)

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Full REVIEW (SPOILERS AHEAD)

Reading through this memoir I decided to highlight some of the many themes I keep seeing people question when reading BL:

Self-hate/internalized bias

Ryousuke begins to grow up understanding that others viewed him as "wrong". At one point in his childhood, he overhears his mother and a friend lamenting the idea that he'd grow up to be gay - and his parents stressed to him the difficulties he would face continuing to act effeminately. The term "disgusting" is used regularly throughout BL when MCs describe themselves to others or reflect on how they think about their sexuality. By the way, this always kills me.

The conflation of gender and sexuality

This is an ongoing theme in the world of BL as a result of it being still a point of confusion for people when it comes to sexual orientation vs gender identity. Many MCs wish they had been born a girl to be able to freely express their desires. What is sometimes addressed, but often not, is that this would come at the sacrifice of their gender identity. In this memoir, Ryousuke describes wanting to be reborn as a girl, as he felt that there had been some kind of a mistake on his "identity form" in heaven before birth. However, he also states multiple times that he does not wish to be a girl, as he likes being a boy.

I have discussed on this blog a few times the importance of "normalcy" in Japanese culture and the idea that normal includes marriage as a means to reproduce. The desire to be able to openly express one's love is certainly a driver in wanting to be born a girl instead, but I also would go further and say that it is also rooted in the idea that as a girl/woman, you're able not only to openly love a boy/man but can also provide a normal life (aka get married and have children). Throughout this text, the author also makes it clear that they always wanted to get married and build a family - but this is something that is often (legally) out of grasp for many same-sex couples in Japan.

Being someone who grew up outside of NYC, I will say that I skew more on the idea that normal = whatever makes you happy and doesn't seriously hurt anyone. I do know, this isn't typical here in the States though, and that many of us are raised to think of normal as marriage + kids. If anything, this really shows that we need to expand the idea of "normal" still, considering there are heterosexual couples who are just fine without a marriage certificate or kids. Everyone deserves to have choices/options.

The importance of a friend

THIS. The moment when Ryousuke comes out to his girlfriends is EVERYTHING. I found myself being SO GRATEFUL that they accepted him and were there to validate and comfort him. This is what really was the catalyst for him being able to live authentically, and cannot stress the importance of allyship enough. While I think a surprise wedding is a bit much, the gesture was so freaking sweet and I'd like to think I finally got a girlfriend/Auntie group chat.

Coming out to mom

Not much to say here other than this DESTROYED me as a reader so I can only imagine as the person coming out. Like all things, there are great examples and poor examples. This is def a "what not to do", however a clear reflection of the reality of many of the themes described here manifesting: what parent would be OK with their kid not being "normal"/faced with the challenges of not being so? If there aren't healthy examples of a new "normal", it is harder for people to understand not only others but themselves.

Partner paranoia/possession/aggression

OK - this is probably the trope I see so many folks taking issue with (and honestly, do get it but give me a moment). I see often comments like, "Ugh why is their partner so emotionally abusive? Jealous? Possessive?". First and foremost I DO NOT condone being emotionally or physically abusive. Though, just because something isn't right, doesn't mean it doesn't exist, and most things exist for a reason/a reaction to something.

Living a life of such restraint where you cannot openly discuss your relationship or desires, cannot live authentically, and in many cases, claim your partner (whether figuratively or legally), can create the perfect condition to make a possessive partner. Often we will see one partner hate it when other people simply touch or flirt with their partner because either a) they are both in the closet or b) one is. In the end, the possessive partner becomes desperate to have SOMETHING that is just theirs. Not an excuse - just shedding some light on how I can understand how this trope if rampant within BL.

Additionally, the strain on a relationship that exists when one or both/more are the closet is REAL. I once knew two women who were living together as a couple and ad been for years, but to one of their parents, they were simply roommates. So much so that when her family came to visit, the other had to make herself scarce, they had to have a whole other bedroom for show, etc. I've seen people keep a relationship secret not for one or two years, but for a DECADE, all while one partner continuously dated beards in front of their lover.

We see much of the above in the memoir in the relationship with Takuma. Takuma is in the closet and grows to be jealous and possessive of Ryousuke. Unfortunately, when Takuma is outed by his peers, he decides to try his best to be "normal" and date a woman and continue to live life in the closet. This is a common trope/theme in BL, and often I see comments of people not understanding one of the MC's paranoia.

I really hope that Takuma, wherever you are, you are happy and living as your full self.

END & WHERE TO BUY

Honestly, I feel like one could write a dissertation on everything in this memoir (and I am sure more qualified people have), but that is not what I'm here for. It is a great read and a great reminder for those living outside of the queer community that yes, these stories are swoon-worthy, sometimes steamy, and often compelling, they are representative of LIVED experiences - something to keep in mind.

Overall, I hope you give this book a read. You can easily buy this one on any of the links below:

Amazon (kindle version available)

Barnes & Noble

Crunchyroll